THE HOLY NAME OF A DISCORDIAN DISCIPLE is something to be sneezed at. It represents everything that a fellow Child Of Discord would ever need to breathe about you. It is instantly irrecognizable to anyone else, seeing as how they're mostly just eat up with the Greyface & won't jive to your hip (or even pelvic) ways. It's the fifth thing you'll ever need to be excepted into the Goddessesses' warm, busty embrace. Yes. we have no bananas.
Gaining your Holy Handle is a feat... and, on occasion, an arm. There is a vast, incredible formula that ancient Discordians (circa 1960-something) have used for long & long to decide the proper name for a disciple of Discord; it was lost a long time ago. Something about tequila, a gorgeous redhead, several milk bottles & a tuning fork, I can't recall... but it's not even available for children's birthday parties or Bar Mitzvahs anymore, so that's right out, because everyone neglected to have it left in.
Despair! All is lo-... oh, wait. No, no... scratch that.
Eris says I gotta put SOMEthing down for it, so I guess I'm stuck. CRAP.
Okay, then... here's a few guidelines (and holes) that five may use to gain five's true HOLY NAME. I'd tell you to take notes, but this isn't a song; that'd be just plain SILLY. (Take notes.)
- It has to make sense to YOU. Regardless of what others may think at "Holy Pope MuffDiver", if you don't yodel in the canyon, then THIS IS A BAD EXAMPLE. It doesn't matter if the other cabbages gawk & sneer when you speak (or sing, or even woof) your HOLY NAME, as long as you can reasonably back-track the idea behind the name to yourself, then you've accomplished this step. Give yourself a cookie; you have too many teeth.
- It must represent the enormous wealth of infinite unknowledge & literal phantasy you bring to Eris's's's's' table. The underlying truths (or overlying falsehoods) you represent should place ads to commercialize some aspect of your namespace.com. There should be a smooth roughness, a tiring energy, an imprisoned freedom about your HOLY NAME that no one (but maybe five) can take from you.
- It cannot be BOOOOOOOORIIIIIIING... unless you're a boring person; then you shouldn't be reading this. In fact, why are you still reading? Stop, dammit! Let's see how many circles you can read! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Did you count them all? Really? I mean, REALLY really? Then you lose; this is a cartoon, people! Why should 'real' come into it in the FIRST place? Y'know what? I've lost my train of thought... oh, well. Another one'll be along any minute now...
- Classically, the HOLY NAME is presented to any Agent of Discord who survives the POEE Baptysmal Rite (or Lefte). Initiates are presented with their moniker when all doubt of Greyface or cabbage-ness has been removed, either from the rite itself or the multitude of libations presented at such an occasion. If there are no libations present, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. The name, once chosen, will resonate within your pineal gland for the rest of (snicker) "existance", to be turned in for a five cent deposit at the end of the world.
- When in doubt, FUCK IT. When not in doubt, get in doubt!
All Hail Discordia ▲
I welcome any & all to peruse this sanctomonius scripture for fnords. Sneaky bastards, they'll get into ANYTHING you set your kidneys to, if you just try. Don't mourn the loss of the original set of non-rules for creationism as according to Discording; celebrate the fiction that we, as a group of Anti-Greyface Activisionists Through Harried Astronomical Christians (AGATHA Christies), have no time for set rules or irregulations. We are, as five whole religulous gathering, as malleable as Play-Dough... and at least twice as tasty!
Remeber, only YOU can prevert forest squires! ONLY YOU; no one else, JUST YOU. Get to work, ya mook.
-- Holy Pope The Other Guy
(NOT The Noel Coward Song)