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Chasing Eris

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Chasing Eris A 101 overview04:59

Chasing Eris A 101 overview

Brenton clutterbuck dalton hayes

Brenton Clutterbuck as himself (left) and as Clyde Barrow impersonator Dalton Hayes (right).

The Chasing Eris Project of the Terrestrial Intelligence Collective (CEPTIC) (informally "Chasing Eris") is the collective name for a number of Discordian activities undertaken to search for intelligent terrestrial life. So far the project has failed.

OriginEdit

The project began in 1958 or 1959 with a revelation to Malaclypse the Younger and Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst in the Friendly Hills bowling alley in Whittier, California. They were contacted by an aged chimpanzee (possibly actually a bonobo) from Sirius or Dog Star. The unnamed ape was an agent of Goddess Eris who instructed them to begin their search for intelligent life on Earth. By 1965, they hadn't found any. Several other investigators followed, including Robert Anton Wilson, Robert Shea, Hakim Bey, Timothy Leary, The Midget, Reverend Loveshade, Sondra London, Rev. DrJon Swabey, Adam Gorightly, Professor Cramulus, Professor Mu-Chao, Rev. Timothy Edward Bowen, Brenton Clutterbuck, and a 1928 Porter touring car.

FundingEdit

Funding for CEPTIC projects has always been limited. Most people are afraid of finding a being with significant brain power because it would show how stupid they are. In 1978, the American CEPTIC program was heavily criticized by Senator William Greyface, and funding for CEPTIC research was removed from the American budget by Congress in 1981. Funding was restored in 1982, after Carl Sagan introduced a substance into the congressional and White House drinking fountains that caused government leaders to see "billions and billions of stars." This made the government leaders think that CEPTIC might show them to be bright. During the remainder of Ronald Reagan's presidential reign (1981-1989), the U.S. supported the project. It became part of Reagan's Star Wars program to defend the United States from Alien Russian Space Explorers (ARSE). This showed how stupid Americans were.

Funding was temporarily discontinued in 1995 when Rave Dave, a secondary school student and Men's Rights Activist from Perth, Australia, died. He passed away after taking ecstasy that had been contaminated with misandry at a rave, without ever having sex with then U.S. President Bill Clinton. Concerned that other young people might die from drugs before having sex with elected government officials. government funding was moved from CEPTIC to increase support for the War on Drugs. WoD proved to be one of the most successful projects of the American government. In only 30 years, the War on Drugs managed to reduce illicit drug use in America by a whopping 0%.

While funding for CEPTIC was temporarily restored a few years later, it was permanently removed in 2001 after George W. Bush was elected as America's president. As Professors Cramulus and Mu-Chao said in a CEPTIC report, "If someone like George W. Bush can be elected president of the most powerful nation on Earth, there's no intelligence on the planet." Since then, CEPTIC projects have had to rely on donations, primarily gained from drug dealers.

ChallengesEdit

In addition to funding limits, there are other great challenges in searching Earth for signs of intelligent life, including their identification and interpretation. CEPTIC projects use the best available scientific knowledge to conduct experiments. After the loss of governmental funding, CEPTIC groups began using E-meters to searches for Eristic fields surrounding the pineal gland. This was based on the idea that if Eris could fool goddesses, someone who was Eristic might have a brain. Researchers also began conducting probes using large radio antennas. The latter was discontinued when too many people said "that hurts."

From 1979 - 1981, physicists Phil Drummond and Ivan Stang used a spectrum analyzer to search for CEPTIC transmissions on 131,000 narrow band channels including MTV. They found no signs of intelligence. In 1994, Project "D & D of the ECG" analyzed 5.37 million channels over a period of 10 years. They finally concluded there were "5.37 million channels and nothin' on."

Chasing Eris 3178Edit

In 3178 YOLD (2012 CE), an alien gonzo anthropologist from Planet Eris named Brenton Clutterbuck came to Earth. He traveled disguised as Dalton Hayes, a Clyde Barrow impersonator and mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper. Clutterbuck traveled the world and the seven seas and discovered "everybody's looking for something." As of 3182 (2016), he was compiling his results. Whether or not there is intelligent life on Earth will be revealed when the book Chasing Eris is released.

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